Getting Along With Someone Who Is Nogentive

A nogentive person is a leader who has trouble working out how it would make the world a worse place to live if everyone supported their way.

They may choose to be not smart in thinking about how their ways affect the world for many (secret *) reasons:

• They are afraid to defy the caretakers who taught them their ways.
• They aren’t close enough with their friends to suggest trying things a different way.
• They wouldn’t even know how to say with words a suggestion for trying things a different way.
• They are not smart enough to plan out far ahead for ways that would take a long time to see a benefit.
• They don’t have any control over how other people spend their time, so even if they thought of a better way, they could not get others to try it.
• People who have control of their time would not be interested, or would make them feel bad for wanting to try things a different way.
• They thought a Self Guider wouldn’t want to see them struggle so hard getting along in this world, while also trying to change it for the better, so they gave up on changing it.
• They thought it would be too hard to make a difference.
• They were once a Learner who started play-thinking nogentively to see what their nogentive caretakers were dealing with, but something went wrong. Maybe they forgot why they started thinking like this. Now they keep on thinking like this.

* If you were once tricked by a Pretending Person and treated them like they were a great leader, but now you understand their secret reasons for doing things, then you might feel like telling them that you know all about their game. If you do, they might not understand your meaning at all and think you are getting angry for no reason. They and their friends have been pretending for so long, they have forgotten why they started pretending in the first place, or even that there could be other ways besides pretending. They may not even be smart enough to realize they tricked you.

Examples of things nogentive people do:

A nogentive sort of leader would take most of the candy from a bucket that says “Take one.” If everyone did that, then the world would be a worse place because only a few people would get a lot of candy.

A nogentive sort of leader would think less of people when something bad happened to them that was outside of their control (like if they got sick and threw up in class). Since everyone has things that are outside of their control, people think less of others just based on luck instead of how hard they work.

A nogentive sort of leader would get mad at someone if they said “Sorry” all the time. Then they might get even madder when the person stopped saying sorry at all.

A nogentive sort of leader will make fun of people who make mistakes practicing skills in the open, and then get upset when they don’t see as many people around anymore, since they have to practice alone to avoid being teased.

A nogentive sort of leader will get mad when people don’t notice them for wearing something new, and will complain to Learners about it and make it seem like it was very wrong. The Learners might grow up to notice and talk to everyone who wears something new – even people who don’t want to be noticed!

If a nogentive sort of leader takes a job they don’t like, and Learners ask about it, they may yell, “DON'T ASK ABOUT MY JOB; THAT’S REALLY RUDE!!!” Now the Learner will never ask other Learners about their job, even though they both have a job they really like talking about. These Learners could even miss out on a chance to work together to make the world even better. The nogentive person would never realize the negative effect they had on the world.

How Do Some Things Get Rude?

Some actions are considered rude because there are Bad Guys in the world who do them to harm others. Someone saying something is “rude” could mean, “I don’t know if you are a Bad Guy or not yet, so could you wait till I trust you more?” (Remember that Wise Leaders don’t try to convince people they are trustworthy, they just accept the other person’s judgment and continue to improve themselves.) They may not know why something is rude, just that it is. Examples:

1. Some Workers don’t want to be near young Learners before their parents know them well.
2. Some people are afraid when others look up information about them because a Bad Guy could use it to steal money from their bank account.

Sometimes things get rude for other reasons. Pretending People who have control over how others spend their time make things rude to try to get even more control. Nogentive people support their changes because they can’t tell what’s going on. The world becomes a worse place for everyone, except for the Pretending Person in control of other people’s time.

Example: The original reason it became rude if a man did not buy his wife a diamond ring was because of the people who sell diamonds. The Pretending People who sell diamonds paid other people to be in commercials, whose actions made it seem like they were saying, “It’s definitely rude to not get your future wife a diamond ring, and she should be mad if she doesn’t get one.” Lots of nogentive and innatured people who depend on them believe it, and now most of the group follows the way of, “It's good to think it’s rude if a husband doesn’t buy his wife a diamond ring.” The people who sell diamonds make lots of money, but they, and nogentive people who follow their way, never care to think, “Hmm… would the world be a better place if it wasn’t considered rude?”.

Exercise: On another piece of paper, mark a possible real reason a way is considered bad, which a nogentive person would be unable to think about and tell you.

1. You play some baseball before you go to school and your clothes are a bit dirty. A teacher yells at you to change. “But why?”

   1. The dirt would definitely make the other kids ill.
   2. People smarter than me decided it’s bad.
   3. A long time ago, some people who were rich enough to clean their kids started the way of, “It’s OK to view dirty kids as less than clean kids,” so their own kids could receive more care. Now, I want you to be clean so you don’t receive less care.

2. You ask your teacher, “Why don’t you change the spelling of ‘thumb’ to ‘thum’?”

   1. It’s better this way.
   2. People smarter than me decided it would be for the best.
   3. I believe it’s an important part of our culture.
   4. I don’t have enough control over other people's time, so my suggestion to change the spelling will not be taken seriously. It’s too hard for me to admit that. It’s easier for me to think it’s good this way.

3. You ask your teacher, “Why do you act like you know everything when you don’t?”

   1. I never actually said I know everything. Kids always make that assumption, and it’s always their fault.
   2. I’m trying to communicate the idea that you shouldn't trust people, and this is the best way to communicate it.
   3. I am not smart enough to act truthfully to kids. I don’t actually know for sure if pretending is for the best or not. If I find any proof that it's not, I’m not smart enough to accept it.