How Many to Bother With Your Problems?

Most of the time, you should treat everyone the best you can. Imagine you have enough food to share with four people. Three of them are Learners, and one is a Bad Guy behind bars in jail. You should still let the Bad Guy have the food because they can’t hurt anyone and there is enough for everyone.

Sometimes there aren’t enough resources for everyone. This world isn’t currently set up to make everyone comfortable. Now you need to decide: how many Misguided People should you upset to make a Learner happy? How many Bad Guys should you take time to help, over a person who is Pretending?

Usually, Workers, Learners, and Wise Leaders follow these guidelines (but there may be lots of other things to consider when making decisions):

The “4s Guideline”: How many of a certain type of person is it OK to upset?

You can upset:	To make:	Happy
No one		1 Bad Guy 🙂
4 Bad Guys 😠😠😠😠		1 Misguided Person 🙂
4 Misguided People 😠😠😠😠		1 Pretending Person 🙂
4 Pretending People 😒😒😠😠		1 Worker 🙂
4 Workers 🙁🙁🙁🙁		1 Learner 🙂
4 Wise Leaders* 🙁🙁🙁🙁		1 Learner 🙂
4 Self Guiders* 🙁🙁🙁🙁		1 Wise Leader 🙂
4 Everything Knowers 🙁🙁🙁🙁		1 Self Guider 🙂

• If you had to choose between respecting a Wise Leader or four Pretend Wise Leaders, you would choose the Wise Leader.
• If four Wise Leaders were playing, it’s OK for one or more Learners’ play to interrupt the play of the Wise Leaders.
• If 16 Pretending People were playing, it’s OK for one or more Learners’ play to interrupt the play of the Pretending People.



• If up to 64 Everything Knowers were having a normal meeting, it would be OK for one hungry child to interrupt their meeting to ask for some food.

These are just guidelines. That means you shouldn't follow them closely all the time. Here are some things that may also be acceptable:

• Keep on doing things that would upset a Worker, but would make a Wise Leader feel welcome and trusted.
• Frustrate more than 16 Pretending People for a Learner.
• Four Learners switching to a quiet game so a tired Worker can rest more peacefully.
• A Learner trying hard not to disturb a Worker who needs to focus on helping their boss, who is a Wise Leader. They are doing something very important that could do a lot of good.
• Not playing near a Pretending Person who is known to hurt your ability to do good if you upset them too much with your play.
• Let two Learners upset 40 Pretending People, if the only way to stop them is to hurt them.

*Self Guiders and Wise Leaders’ life mission is to help others, so bad or inconvenient things that happen to them don’t bother them too much. Things that truly upset a Wise Leader or Self Guider are things that affect many others. You should pay attention not to do anything that would upset them in a way that affects others. Upsetting them could mean many innocent people also get upset. But, don’t worry too much, they are very good at communicating boundaries and when it's OK for you to take up their time.

Workers often get confused about what to put energy into. Sometimes, they would readily upset lots of Learners just to make themselves feel a little better. Other times, they would give a great deal of time and energy to help just one Learner a little bit. To be nice to them, you should make sure you only ask them for help with things that would really help you become your best. They can’t tell what would help you and what wouldn’t.

Workers are also very confusing regarding when they think you should ask for help and when not. They might get upset if you don’t tell them when something is making you a bit uncomfortable, but when you tell them something is making you very uncomfortable, they might get mad or upset at you for complaining about it. Sometimes, their ways can be very unpredictable, and they don’t realize it.

Sometimes, Pretending People and Misguided People may act very upset if they don’t get to have an experience they want. But even if they did get their way, it would not benefit them. Unlike Learners, who improve when they have an experience and learn from the result, Pretending People and Misguided People have a very hard time learning new things. That is why many people think it is better to help a Learner have an experience they want over someone who is Pretending or a Misguided Person.

Sometimes, Pretending or Misguided People may act distressed, as though there was a real emergency, if they don’t get their way. You might find them acting like it’s not their fault at all when they poorly communicate the difference between an actual emergency and not getting their way, and someone gets hurt because of it. They will probably say something like: “You should have listened.” An example: A Pretending Person yelling at you when you are testing your balance on a wooden plank, and then later yelling the same way when you are walking behind a car that starts moving. You might ignore them because you have known them to get distressed about stuff that isn’t actually important.

Exercise 1: On another piece of paper, write down the unfilled guidelines of how many of each type of person it’s OK to upset if you are a Learner:

Everything Knower 64

Self Guider

Wise Leader

Learner 1

Worker 4

Pretending Person

Misguided Person

Bad Guy 256

Becoming a Wise Leader is hard and takes time, but it is worthwhile.

Exercise 2: You are a Pretending Person. You and your 13 Pretending Person friends are trying to play a game of throwing a football in a field and are complaining about everyone. Three young Learners are trying to play a game in that same area and are upsetting your game. You really want to play your game. Here are some options you have:

1. Yell at them to go away.
2. Work on making the field nicer (mowing the grass, painting lines, caring for trees) so they see and go away.
3. Hold a meeting with your friends and start talking about important stuff so the Learners don’t upset you.

On another piece of paper, fill in the blanks:

1. Which option is the easiest for you?

2. Which option would make Learners think it’s OK to take things from those younger than them?

3. Which option will help the Learners learn Worker skills if they watch?

4. Which option will help the Learners learn Wise Leader skills if they watch?

Exercise 3: You are a Pretending Person trying to take care of a young group of Learners. You really want them to pay attention to what you have to say, but they are not. Here are some options you have:

1. Believe that they are not smart enough to know that you are worth listening to, and try to convince them they are not smart, so they will listen.
2. Yell really loudly and get angry to frighten them into listening to you.
3. Try to become a Wise Leader and wait until they are comfortable enough to give you another chance to be heard.
4. Want something else besides having them pay attention to you.

On another piece of paper, fill in the blanks:

1. Which option will take the longest?

2. Which option will be the hardest for you?

3. Which option will make them doubt themselves?

4. Which option will make them scared of you?